Tips On How To Handle Or Avoid Your Addicted Loved One’s Embarrassing Actions
Throughout our lives we encounter many problems that need to be fixed. When you have a loved one with an addiction, you also have the additional problems related to his/her addiction, such as:
- A partner who tells dirty jokes at social events
- A son who shows up high on Oxy at Thanksgiving
- A daughter who drives home drunk
- A partner who is too hungover to go to work
- A friend who shows up high at your child’s dance performances
In addition to feeling embarrassed, your loved one’s actions when they are high or drunk may also be dangerous (e.g., driving when drunk), irresponsible (e.g., not going to work), or disrespectful (e.g., telling dirty jokes at social events), and all of them are problems that you’d probably like to fix. Although the problems are difficult, there are ways to figure out a solution. By using the step-by-step method of problem solving, you’ll be able to come up with solutions to help you and your loved one move closer to sobriety.
Follow these 5 Steps to Solve Your Problems
1 – What is the Problem?
The first step in problem solving is getting specific about what the problem is. You want to clearly define the problem. What specific actions or situations are problematic? The more specific you can be in identifying the problem, the better. If your loved one is embarrassing when they are high, what are the specific behaviors that need to change? If your loved one is embarrassing when they are certain situations, what are the specific situations and behaviors that need to change? Writing down the problem a single sentence or two, can really help you focus in on what you are dealing with.
Example: Partner gets drunk at social events and tells dirty jokes. What’s the problem in this situation?
Here are two possible problems:
- Possible problem: partner tells dirty jokes
- Possible problem: partner gets drunk at social events that include people from work.
2 – Brainstorm Solutions
The second step is brainstorming ALL possible solutions. Write down as many solutions to the problem as you can. Even if the solution sounds ridiculous, write it down. In this phase of problem solving we want to be as creative as possible; sometimes the most effective solutions come from ideas that sound silly or impossible. When brainstorming all possible solutions be sure to include the solution of doing nothing. The option of doing nothing to solve the problem is always a possible solution (and in some cases, the best solution).
- Partner gets drunk at social events that include people from work.
- Don’t invite partner to this type of social event
- Do nothing
- Don’t go to any social events that may include people from your work
- Only invite partner to this type of social event if no booze will be there
- Pick up partner from work and take him directly to the social event so he has no time or chance to drink
- Lie to partner about where I’m going and then go to the event
- Ask partner not to drink before coming to the event
- Have a discussion beforehand (using communication skills) to communicate your concerns and express your wants and needs.
3 – Evaluate & Pick 2
Evaluate your list of possible solutions and pick 2 solutions to try. To evaluate each solution, think about:
- How realistic is this solution (time, money, likelihood of success)?
- Do I have the skills needed to use this solution?
- Does this solution conflict with my values?
- Does this solution support my loved one’s sobriety or make it easier for him/her to use?
- Am I willing to use this solution?
Once you evaluate the solutions, pick the top 2 (so you have a back-up solution in case the first one you choose doesn’t work).
4 – Plan and Do
Make a plan and do the solution you picked. Sometimes it can be helpful to plan out your top 2 solutions. You may need to practice PIOUS in order to successfully use a solution, or you may need to think about your boundaries. It can also be helpful to think about what barriers may get in the way when you try out a solution, and then come up with ways to overcome these barriers.
After you’ve created your plan, or if you don’t need to have a plan to use the solution you chose, then you need to actually do the actions in your solution (e.g., asking your partner not to drink before a social event with your work colleagues).
5 – Evaluate, Revise & Repeat (if needed)
Evaluate the success of the solution, make changes to it (if needed), or pick another solution (if needed). After you try your solution, take time to think about how it went. What worked? What didn’t work? If you need to make changes to your solution, go ahead and do so. Or, if you need to pick a different solution, do that and evaluate how it works.
To help you apply the problem solving method here is a link to a problem solving worksheet. Remember if your first (or second or third) solution doesn’t work, don’t give up! Use your support network and do self-care activities to help you continue in your journey to free yourself from your loved one’s addiction.